Friday, October 05, 2007
I was driving to work a few days ago, when this cross appeared in the east, right before dawn. I immediately pulled my squad over and was able to get a few photos before it disappeared.
Now, I'm sure there is a scientific explanantion for this. A few layers of clouds, perhaps a stream from a passing jet, who knows? But I was awe struck and humbled, and went about my day's work with my heart uplifted.
I reflect on God a lot. I read lots of books on God, and attend Bible study. I pray many times during the day. I'm a real pest. I have to, I need to. I need God. I can't get through my day without Him, I'm not strong enough. I'm a weary warrior.
My pastor made a comment once that if we open our minds to the experience, we see God's presence in so many places. I see God in places of natural beauty. I always felt very close to Him when I was out horseback riding, just me and my mare, Zoe. And this was before I became born again.
Some of my friends say "If God wants me to believe in Him, why doesn't He do something to prove His existance? Why won't he show me a sign?"
In one of my books, the author shares his explaination for why God does not appear to us as he used to in the Old Testament. For one thing, God shouldn't have to. He is not a trained monkey who should have to do parlor tricks for us to win us over, nor a genie who appears when we rub a lamp, and make our wishes come true.
When God did appear to us physically, in the Old Testament, it was too much for us to take in. We turned our eyes away in terror. We just couldn't handle it. We turned our backs from the sight of Him, and built our own idols. Little idols that we could shape with our hands, control what they looked like, look at and bow down before without being overwhelmed. We probably hurt our Father's feelings by doing this. So God takes a different route with us now.
I had so many misconceptions about God before finally, and recently, submitting to Him.
When I was a child, I was afraid of God, I thought he was a meanie and a bully. I tried reading the Bible many times, but couldn't get past all the animals being killed in the flood in Genesis. My children's Bible (which I still have) has very vivid pictures, of monkeys stranded on rocks in the downpour, lions washing over a waterfall, antelope overturned in the current with flailing legs breaking the surface. My child's mind was horrified, and didn't like God very much. I was terrified of him. With fear came a strong dislike. That dislike turned to disbelief as I matured and took an interest in the natural sciences. I was an athiest for many years. I have asked God to forgive me for my ignorance.
In the past few years, I am just now learning about God's love. I've learned that all this time, God was reaching out to me, and waiting patiently for me to reach back to Him. I still struggle in my relationship with my heavenly Father. I read everything I can, trying to understand why things happen the way they do. I try to trust God with everything although I do struggle, thinking that I should be able to get by on my own. Mostly I try to be accepting, that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand right now what that reason is. Someday, we will.
Being a Christian doesn't mean that all your problems disappear, it doesn't make life suddenly easy. If we read the Lord's Prayer, the only thing asked for is Daily Bread. Which doesn't mean food, it means a daily dose of God in our lives.
I hope I see God everyday. And I hope that in spite of my weaknesses, my imperfections, my doubts, my fears, and my tendancy to throw constant pity-parties for myself, I hope I am pleasing to Him.